


fall in the fire but these burns will heal you

by redsukiriot



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AOT 132 SPOILERS, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Causal loop, Character Death, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Levi's POV, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Other, Parallel Universes, Paths, Survivor Guilt, They/Them Pronouns for Hanji, Time Loop, happy birthday hanji zoe, hurt more hurt and then comfort, you're going to understand the divergent tags i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26316295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsukiriot/pseuds/redsukiriot
Summary: "I wonder if we’re all gonna meet each other again somewhere… I could only wish.Yeah… this is my only wish. I don’t wanna kill anymore. I don’t want all the violence stuck with me in death like it was in life. “Violence is one thing you can’t take from humanity, right Captain?”In this world doomed since the start, maybe not…How can this be fair? How’s it fair to have nowhere to run, no second or third options; to have only the choice of dying now or a little ahead? Die by titan’s teeth chewing your flesh or hunger; by the enemy’s hand or friendly fire; by the guns and cannons of an entire world pointing at you and your past, or burned by steam of a horde of colossal titans and trampled by colossal feet? Was it ever, for a small freckle of time in this horrid timeline, a moment where we could’ve had the chance of making things fair and just, to see any way out, any sparkle of true hope?Any path that ends differently than this one? One where /everything/ doesn't have to end once and for all?"Levi will find out.
Relationships: Levi/Hange Zoë
Kudos: 40





	fall in the fire but these burns will heal you

**Author's Note:**

> if you're here, you must have read that this contains spoilers from the unreleased aot chapter. basically, just spoilers concearning to hanji. i seriously cannot cope, i have no idea of how to cope and i've been crying for two days straight. so, i decided to write because writing is how i try to found comfort and, you know, how i try to work on my feelings. here it is a one chapter from levi's pov where i projected a hell of a lot and i made him talk to himself about a lot of things, including about how amazing hanji zoe is :')
> 
> and, it's in first person and this is the first time i have written in first person (at least in english).
> 
> i hope this finds you well and that the fact i did include a personal theory of mine about the ending of this god's forsaken manga doesn't get in the way of the love i tried to show with this. i hope these new burns can help us heal too. 
> 
> songs at the end note.

“Were we born to lose and let goliath win?

Heavy air and screaming as you pull the pin

Our world is collapsing but we can rebuild it

A 100 more years in the fire

Do you believe that we can just kill them all?

Do you believe that we can conquer this?

Can't delete all the mess that I have seen

Fall in the fire but these burns will heal you.”

All the worst days of my life were unexpected, at least from an outsider’s perspective.

Although I have never been ready or expecting the amount of pain they would cause me, I was never surprised. I waited for the bad things to happen and the bad things were always ready, waiting for me.

This is something I could have written if I had the patience, if I had a way with words or if it was ever worth it, but it’s not. Everyone with the slightest interest in anything — less than polite, laced with curses — that I have to say, is dead. This one is just for me, it’s just for my last moments on another worst day.

For a while I have been thinking that the next worst day would be my day, it’d be my time. I thought I’d be piercing someone else’s neck with a blade or a speer — _ their _ thunder speers ;  I thought that someone else’s huge hands would be around my own neck, snapping it like it was a wood stick instead of muscle and bones. I thought for almost my entire adult life that I’d be the last one standing because this is what was expected from me , the worth that they gave me and that I gave myself.

I’m falling now while there’s younger soldiers, children still standing in a fight none of us is to blame. Honestly, I can barely blame  _ him _ , but only barely, as I need someone to blame. Or do I? Something tells me that none of them will last longer. And the last one? Right now I’m thankful I’m not it. I’m glad I’m not him.

There’s no blade in my hand. There’s no blade piercing someone else’s neck, and there’s no huge, monkey hands around my own. There’s nothing. I can’t even see their faces anymore, they had no time to spare to take a last look at Humanity’s strongest soldier. Nonetheless, I feel like the real strongest of us all had fallen before I did.

My mom fell before I did.

Farlan and Isabel fell before I did.

My squad fell before I did.

My uncle fell before I did.

Erwin fell before I did.

They’ve fallen before I did. They’ve gone with much more dignity, accomplishments and a trail of good things that I could never have left behind. Not like them. Not like the 14th commander. There was never someone like Hanji in intelligence, in strength, in positivity, in love… Never once there was someone like them, and never again there will be. This world will end without taking a shot in creating another Hanji Zoe. Morbidly as it is, this is comforting. I did meet them.

And Hanji had wanted to meet me, to know me. I might have been a monster, but that never stopped them. Nothing ever did stop them before today, and it took steam and four fucking colossal titans to do it — no, thousands of them. They took four  _ with _ them.

I bet they’re bragging to Erwin, and Moblit is probably pulling his life-after-death hair in face of their reckless behaviour. That is, if there is a life-after-death.

Hanji is a hero. Hanji’s the only hero I have ever met. Hanji deserves a life-after-death where they can be curious and explore without having to worry about all the lives inside the walls; all the lives outside in the world.

My fall is ending and with it, my watch.

I wonder if we’re all gonna meet each other again somewhere… I could only wish.

Yeah… this is my only wish. I don’t wanna kill anymore. I don’t want all the violence stuck with me in death like it was in life.  _ “Violence is one thing you can’t take from humanity, right, Captain?” _

In this world doomed since the start, maybe not…

How can this be fair? How’s it fair to have nowhere to run, no second or third options; to have only the choice of dying now or a little ahead? Die by titan’s teeth chewing your flesh or hunger; by the enemy’s hand or friendly fire; by the guns and cannons of an entire world pointing at you and your past, or burned by steam of a horde of colossal titans and trampled by colossal feet? Was it ever, for a small freckle of time in this horrid timeline, a moment where we could’ve had the chance of making things fair and just, to see any way out, any sparkle of true hope? 

Any path that ends differently than this one? One where  _ everything _ doesn't have to end once and for all? Where we don’t fall into the fire hoping that the burns will heal us and fix the things that have gone wrong before we were even born?

In another universe, would I be falling like they did, more heroically? Would I be free-falling from the steaming, burning sky, thinking of how much I already miss their stinky hair even though it hadn’t passed a day? Or would I be blaming myself for not having a blade in my hand, the same blade I was glad I wasn’t holding. Would I be missing violence if —

* * *

  
  


“Gonna take your knives and skills they must be honed

Show your mom your lives and give a dog a bone

Just wait for centuries

Man, women, child long to be free

When we die we ask our brothers one more time

If the meaning of our lives was worth a dime

Our world oxidizes but will surprise us

A 100 more years in the fire.”

“What the hell?”

Where am I? This place is familiar.

Looking around all I can see is the blue sky and green grass. Where is this place? Why is it so familiar?

If this is the after life, it sure ain’t how I thought it would be. How I thought, I would be seeing all of them and living, for real this time. I would be seeing a bright brown eye and light blue ones, not the reflection of my darker blue in the shiny, broken blade at my feet. 

“Took you long enough, Le-vi.”

Shiny hair, not stinky at all by the looks of it. Intact glasses and one brown eye carrying the light of all the stars I’ve seen from inside the walls.

_ See you later, Hanji. _ What’s “later”, but inaccuracy? Not a real measurement of time, not even a promise, per se; just wishful thinking. Just the hope that you will see it later.

“Seemed pretty fast to me, Shitty four-eyes.”

“Owwn, I thought the nickname was back just because I was dying and you wanted to be personal.” Damn, their laugh; It’s so annoying and so scandalous and sublime.

“Tsc. What’s this? Where are we?”

“Hmmm good question. I was searching around here and I interviewed the other scouts I met and this seems to be the paths, considering what they said. It also looks like it from what I’ve seen… without the apocalyptic vibe, you know.”

“I see. So we’re stuck here even in the afterlife. Is that why there’s a blade here? Are we fighting something here too?”

“Don’t be silly. This is rest. Another thing I found out in my time here is that you’ll get  _ what you want _ and  _ what you need _ when you get here. Eventually, at least. Guess who had a bottle of wine when I arrived?”

“I can imagine.”

“See, must be why the blade is here for you. It wasn’t here before.”

“This means I need the blade, then? I didn’t think I’d have to fight here. You don’t seem like you were fighting —”

“Levi…”

“Why do I have to fight again?”

How can I fight with a broken blade? From which side is gonna come from me? Will I be able to defend us and defeat whatever it is with two halves, one in each hand? 

“Levi, put down the blades.”

“But—”

“No one fights here, Levi. Put down the blades. You need to put down the blades.” Hanji smiled. I can still see the worry, but they’re smiling.

I need to put down the blades.

I don’t need to fight again.

I need to put down the blades.

I see my eyes on each one of the halves and somehow, it seems like another me looking into my soul or whatever bullshit this is called. It doesn’t seem to be me. It really doesn’t seem to be me—

“Levi!”

Their arms are so strong and warm—and why am I on their arms? Why did I fall—my head, shitshitshitshit, my head—

“Hanji, my head. It fucking hurts!”

“What’s going on?”

“You—You tell me!”

“But I don’t know! I don’t have any record of something like this happening. I don’t have an explanation. Why are you hurting again? It wasn’t supposed to be like this here too. Levi?”

Their voice seems far away, although I still feel their arms around myself. All of a sudden, I can’t hear them anymore. All I can hear is loud noises, and bangs from guns and blades slashing through muscle; blood dripping and cries. The same life happening again and again and again and again and again throughout two thousand years and never, not even once, was the end different.

Everything ended in mass destruction and fire every-fucking-time.

There was really never a way to change things, huh?

There was never a solution for our hell. We could only fight forever, until forever was gone and only  _ he _ was left alone and dying above the bodies.

I could never be the last one standing, it was never meant to be. It’s funny because in some of those lives, I was the second to last and I watched almost until the very end. It still doesn't explain why I’m seeing this.

A needle broke somewhere.

“You’re seeing it because I wanted you too.”

Eren?

“I’m sorry for the terrible memories. I’m sorry I can’t erase all of this and that you’ll have to carry with you the weight of what you lived through more than a hundred times to the new world. But there is a new one now. Our world ended and it will never repeat itself again. The loop that came to exist with the birth of the Founding Titan is broken. There was never a way to save it, just the right way out that took long enough to be found. I’m sorry all of you had to pay the price for my freedom and yours. I couldn’t stand another two thousand years relieving the same hell without an escape. The way out is  _ here _ . The paths are coming undone, it can’t be in the middle of two parallel universes. You’re all going to the new one and face bad things and good things, and there will be violence again, but there will be no curse on no one’s blood. There will be no titans, just a normal life. I know this is too much and there’s more. I know the Founding Titan isn’t supposed to affect Ackermans, but believe me, I’m not. You’re gonna remember that in one of those times I had the chance to explain it to you. You're still gonna hear my voice explaining all the things that happened to us for some time, but it will be over. I think your new life will be peaceful. I hope you don’t find an Eren Jaeger, unless you’re truly ready to see my face again. This is the last time I’m borrowing Ymir’s powers, finally. It’s also the last time that being an Ackerman will mean something more than just a family name. I admire you, Captain. I’m sorry to have disappointed you so much when you were kind of a hero to me. Goodbye, Levi Ackerman.”

“Levi?”

* * *

  
  


"Just like it always is, we live under the burnt clouds,

Ease our burden, long is the night.”

“Hey, Levi. Wake up! Le-vi! We’re gonna be laaate.”

“Huh?”

“Move your tiny ass. The sun is already up and you didn’t even see it this time.”

“Hanji? What you’re talking about?”

“Did you hit your head when you fell from your almighty grace to the grass and that’s why you slept instead of watching the sunrise? Come on, get up! We need to open the shop before I go to classes.”

There isn’t an eyepatch. I’m looking at two bright brown eyes and it isn’t possible. We’re dead, and before dead we were beaten and bruised. We haven’t watched a sunrise since before we took the Paradis Island.

Eren.

I remember.

It wasn’t a nightmare, and this right here is not a dream.

I have a tea shop and the sun shines through the glass windows. There’s sun everywhere here, it’s not like the undergrounds. We watch the sunrise at least once a week and Hanji’s the one that falls asleep sometimes because of all the allnighters they pull studying and preparing classes for their biology students.

We have two big dogs I fucking hate, but actually, love to bits. I suggested the names Sawny and Bean and they adored and told me it felt like it was supposed to be the dogs’ names.

There’s flowers falling off their backpack when we get to the shop, and they change the old ones for the new ones. Hanji cultivates herbs and teas, mostly, but they have a small space in our garden where they plant two or three types of flowers that always ends up here in the shop.

We’re together.

In this universe, we have the chance of saying “I love you” to each other with the actual words, because saying them won’t make it hurt more when one of us dies.

The only blade I ever touched, was a kitchen knife.

The only experiments they’ve done are with herbs and shit allowed in schools.

It’s a normal life where we can walk shoulder to shoulder, but also hand in hand.

“Hey, it’s my time. Gotta go and look cool to the teenagers. You got everything you need, Levi?”

Smiling lips come close to mine and before I have the chance, it’s already gone. A butterfly kiss, small and fast, so different from the ones we share in our bedroom at night.

“I got it, and everything I wanted too.”

“See ya later, shorty!”

“The stars don't shine,

We are stars and we'll beam on our town,

We looked at the light itself,

Sing with hope and the fear will be gone.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always welcomed. we can set a date to meet with the hanji cult and start healing together hehe :')
> 
> the dogs by hiroyuki sawano, benjamin anderson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD0rG7prFgU  
> so ist es immer by hiroyuki sawano, mpi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jqSy8E9JLQ  
> (not one of the verses i directly used, but it sure helped me write) apple seed by hiroyuki sawano, laco and mpi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-qQKMM3NsU


End file.
